surviving infidelity wayward spouse
Each has the right to talk to each other without getting defensive or angry. He was happy until then during dating and engagement. It doesn’t look any different to them, so I think they are fine with it. And I also believe that until a person becomes aware of the misguided thinking that led to the mistake and is willing to self-correct, this person is subject to repeating the same mistake. Today she didn’twear her I ng s when leaving the house and she knows I notice and it bothers me, but she did take them with her.
When OW was with us socially, h was attentive to her needs/wants and when I spoke up, I was treated as an annoyance/dismissed. I told him what I need from him to be safe again, and he is trying. She had to understand she doesn’t dictate what will or won’t happen any more.
It’s very selfish and irrational, but these people exist. He is a loner, his first goal was to MAKE MONEY..he had several business failures...all of this was t o 'show his stern dad that he could do it'. (No joke.). I just don’t resonate with the idea of too much to lose, but perhaps I am atypical. How could telling affect healing after an affair?
I felt all I could do was avoid these conversations and protect her from things that would hurt her.
Why did I think I would be the exception? It has been the most damaging to our marriage, and most difficult to rebuild trust. i wouldn’t have been able to be there for my kids if i would have killed myself.” Thanks for the walk down memory road SI. If you find yourself in an argument, only fight naked. Once the betrayed knows, do not trickle truth.
Recently, he’s shown signs this time that he’s finally emotionally connecting to me in ways that I’ve never seen in 30 years. Or an A. How am I capable of this? In my case the problem started with our marriage:spouse 'eying' other women, going skiing with a club when we had a new baby at home,finding condom in his suit coat and lipstick on his collar.
I wish I would have told the truth from day one. Does she even care.
Because facing the issues or problems can be HARD. Now he is ill..on oxygen 24-7 and so apologetic for all that he did to me.
(He never apologized and never admitted anything but feebly hoped he could crawl back.) Anon, Since my EA was basically based on fantasy, most everything about it was not what I thought it was. Hopefully most cheating spouses get to that point.
Nobody deserves to be abused. Because then it might feel like things have improved. Send a text message that you’re thinking of them. And I chose to identify that core problem and now we are working on that as a couple. It’s not that most wayward partners don’t realize they’ve made a mistake (most do)… and it’s not that they aren’t willing to acknowledge to others when they make mistakes (many do).
Who will look after them while she is out partying? Has gone on, that I can estimate, for about 1 1/2-2 years.
How did this come to this. No wrong choice produces right results. I realized (thanks to Linda’s strength and persistence) that if I didn’t get my head out of my ass, I’d lose her for good. Thank you for the kind words. I told him no. mistakes.
The reason being (possible reason) is that “in his mind” he doesn’t see it as wrong.
I’m glad to hear you are going for counseling. That doesn’t reflect badly on either party– just that everyone is different. He said I was the most amazing woman. The lure of the ho-worker was that she spoke his work language, she validated his career success in a way I couldn’t because she worked with him. But I also stayed because I didn’t want to tear our family apart. She has her on phone and bill now. And if you don’t agree with me, then I invite you to take the following self-evaluation quiz.
You are the example of what it means to be human, so you need not fear the process of getting honest with yourself. Just yours. They are in fact a list of the most common rationalizations I’ve heard over the past 15 years from many of my clients trying to rationalize both to themselves, to their spouse and even to me, as to why their choice to have an affair was in fact a reasonable one.
I was willing to try to salvage the marriage, but we needed to deal with our future and she was stuck in the past. Narcissist - 10/31/2020 5:27:44 PM - by Devasated General. Let them know you’re not trying to hold anything back. The BEST marriage has two decent and mature people who put the marriage first, not one selfish, self gratifying person. Be honest.
At the very least try to understand what your actions cost your mate. Otherwise she will have only one influence…the influence of the one person whose best interest is to destroy your marriage.
Well, I saw the true colors there (which indicated he definitely had sociopathic tendencies) and there was no way I could go back to that. If forgiving and forgetting is not possible, I chose to forgive again everytime I remember, everytime I hurt, everytime. If the cheater is having an attitude “that it is over” and you need to move in from the emotional affair – that is hard to face and overcome. As far as how the affair hurt me…I live with the regret and the guilt and the shame of what I did to Linda and what I could have done to our family. Not surprising in hindsight given his emotionally bankrupt upbringing in a household with an alcoholic parent, and being told all his life he’d never amount to anything! Any advice is more than welcome. All the kids were home then and we were struggling financially.
And there is no reason to throw that away. Will it change the past?
That way, I would have done a better job at being aware and addressing them and protecting Linda from them, while not getting so frustrated and impatient. Thanks for the kind words. They want the thrill, excitement, and fun of it all from the OW/OM while they also want the safety, sanity, and status they get in their marriage.
Instead of his normal ranting political Facebook posts, now he’s posting Zen and Buddha quotes.
My husband also has a tendency to stuff down his feelings. Bud. Work on what you can.
All Rights Reserved. The one who was betrayed isn’t the only victim of cheating. And if the cheating spouse has indeed ended the affair and supposedly now has nothing to hide, it should be okay for the betrayed spouse to go through their things without warning, which will end up helping the betrayed spouse tremendously.
The affair partner will say anything to try to win her off you. Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. If I will never know completely what happened, I chose to hold on to what I know: whatever he might have felt towards the other person, it was not enough for him to choose her. I’ve been lurking and reading your comments. The cheating spouse should not expect too much in terms of physical or emotional intimacy. Is her finding out that she no longer plays a part in our story and we are stronger than ever despite any evil intentions she may had when she started an affair wd a committed man. The tipping point for him (in addition to the external stressors I mentioned before) was nearly losing his business when the economy tanked. I dont want to give the other woman the power to still hurt me and us.
He must have felt like he won the marriage lottery! Knowing that I’m capable is enough.
Other people saw it. After reading all your posts, I would lean towards calm assertive.
And many are pro wife no matter what. also what kills is if she had these feelings why didn’t she ever say anything. Says he loves me, always has and had no reason to have an affair.
It takes two to tango as they say. It is what it is. I am so sorry you are going through this.
With anything that happens in the months that follow D-day, the cheater should ask themselves: “Is this helping my spouse to heal?” If the answer is no, then they must look for something else that isn’t as threatening.
Is she a good wife? Also after 34 years with this man, just getting up and leaving is not an option.
Not a way to make friends with the other parents.
The affair partner is not even a real person…they are a construction of the unfaithful spouses mind. My husband’s first EA happened when he was 44 but I didn’t find out about it at that time. You see, because of our superior intelligence and flexible cognitive psychology, we humans can in fact do both. You know when you first met you dated. Less crap coming your way IMO. I don’t even know If they still contact each other. I hate you because you cheated on your wife.
And I started over once much younger but being in late 40’s now who wants to start over lose it all again.
Don’t be afraid of the possible consequences by trying to control the flow of honest information. Being a cheater is a cowardly thing to do. 7.
I hear you. Some people want the security of marriage and once they have it, they keep ‘dating’ whomever they please. To which I replied “then she shouldn’t date married men”. Hold hands, sit near each other, pull the chair out for your lady, and wipe the food off your man’s face. Finances are incredibly bad.
Not sure we will make it so I encourage all spouses to be as honest as possible. Life is so hard like this. And if you are among those who are drawn to the idea of going from dishonor to redemption, then taking my Wayward Rehab masterclass collection is a great way to get that process started. 10.
The cheating spouse must be prepared to work their hardest to show the betrayed spouse that without a doubt, they regretted their actions and words, and is striving to be someone he/she could love and trust again. This happens mostly because the price of truly admitting to a mistake, a poor choice, or a bad judgment to ourselves produces such harsh levels of self-loathing — many of us would rather weather life with self-denial than with self-recriminations. No worries, Tired. Ironically, I have felt that his ex-wife has been the OW throughout our marriage, and now this.
“For Betrayed Men: Why women cheat and leverage that you have if your wife cheated”.
I even offered to pay for it. He actually spoke to our son’s grade nine class regarding suicide prevention, back in the day. In desperation, he threw everything at the wall to see what sticks. They fear the guilt and self-recriminations that would emerge if they were to be truly honest about what got them into trouble in the first place.
That might not sound very romantic but when you look at it in hard facts; you have no right to cheat when you have a legal marriage contract, even if you don’t think you’ll get caught. I was shocked how easy it was for OW to manipulated my H with talk, eye contact, the right words, body language, etc.
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